‘A sensation at the Mondial, I preferred you, the R4 E-TECH, to your little sister, the R5 E-TECH. You’re just as charming – that’s just me – you’ve got more room on board with your 2.62 m wheelbase, which is 8 cm longer than the R5, and you’ve got more boot space with your 420 litres. And all that for a length of just 4.14 m, 9 cm longer than the Clio and 9 cm shorter than the Captur. And so many nods to your ancestor. I love you… but I curse you.’
‘Is it really you who should be blamed for being uniquely hip? Or should you knock on the big door of the European house that has no garage and denies any feeling towards the automotive world. And by the same token, forces you and your siblings to be wired. I love you but our love is definitively impossible. You’re electrifying but I can’t plug you in…’
‘And yet I love your look, which triggers lovely memories. It’s a look that’s so simple and yet so technological. I’d give you the Gabin line, ‘ You’ve got beautiful eyes, you know ’, but you deserve better. So I’m turning the spotlight on a stylistic and conceptual detail that isn’t a detail at all: your radiator grille. Your father or mother in Renault’s communications department says that ‘ your front grille is the first thing that catches the eye ’.
‘Bingo, I’m crazy about it. And suspicious. Because lusting after your iridescent irises isn’t enough to transform a romance into infinite love. Your eyes are nothing without your mask. Your grille is disproportionately large: 1.45 m! Unlike Cyrano’s woodpecker, this is a stroke of luck. You illuminate it with a fine line of mascara and like a clown, your diamond-shaped nose also shines in the dark.’
‘In this respect, you’re still much more beautiful than some German girls who only have their mascara lines lit up and a big black dot – their logo – on their nose. But for a change, they too will be glowing after dark. Watch out! Yes, I like the complexity behind your face. It looks so simple with your two almost round eyes, but your face is drawn with multiple fragments and worked like a timepiece.’
‘This simplicity of design was one of the challenges of your conception. Everyone pitched in, from the designers to the engineering and production teams, not forgetting the suppliers, Valeo and OP Mobility. There were a lot of people above your cradle. It was a project within a project that resulted in the world’s first one-piece illuminated grille. And it was you who inaugurated it! I don’t even know if I deserve you any more…’
‘Gilles Vidal (Renault’s design boss, and the one who managed your design) explains that ‘ we’ve always aspired to enhance our grilles using light. Today, the regulations allow us to do just that. See how well he talks about you? I’m a bit jealous. But it doesn’t matter, because you and I won’t be living together…’.
‘You won’t be on time for our rendezvous. I won’t be able to touch your steering wheel – which has nothing to do with your ancestor’s – I won’t tinker with your controls, nor stroke your two 10-inch screens (7 and 10 in the entry-level range) with integrated Google and the services that go with it. We could even have a threesome with your ‘Reno’ avatar, who has all the answers. You want me to hook you up and I can’t do it. ’ Hey Reno, make me an R4 E-TECH thermal hybrid!
‘It’s not the manufacturers who have imposed electric cars but you, you’re not multi-energy. And I live in a picturesque village, admittedly, but without a charging point, and in a town house with no garage and a pavement right in front of my windows. And I can’t recharge at work, because I work from home! Am I the only one?
‘I love you, but I curse you for having given birth to this impossible love! Your mother, nicknamed the 4L, used to give me a lift when I was very young. I remember the sound of the handbrake when we pulled it, the movement of my father when he put the car into second gear by pulling the lever off the dashboard. I had the impression that one day there would be a pike at the end of the rod. Or a shark. But no, my father shifted into third gear, pushing the steel rod back under the bonnet to give birth to a relatively modest acceleration. So, the 4L was the car for modest people… You’ve changed a lot in that respect, haven’t you?’
‘So, after adoring the 4L in my teens, I love you, the R4 E-TECH. The design team has stirred up the pot with a canvas sunroof, capsule rear lights – but you mustn’t exceed the prescribed dose – a hatchback flush with the tarmac and names that speak to connoisseurs: Jogging for your wheel trims, Sixties and Parisienne for your various black diamond-cut aluminium wheels. Your mother’s ‘special series’ names…’’
‘Well, you’ll no doubt think that sounds a bit easy. You’ve even got a shade that pays homage to the place where you’re assembled: Hauts-de-France green. Don’t laugh, your mother in 1961 wore Ile-de-France blue! You’ve taken us on a journey to some superb places… But that’s without me. I’m reluctantly plunging into the world of adultery at the wheel of a hybrid thermal. You had it coming! And don’t call me again, it’ll hurt too much!’
